How I Went From Burnout To Building My Own Business
Zoë interviewed Hank (they/them), who started Butch Cut three years ago after recovering from burnout. Butch Cut provides a safer space for trans and non-binary people to get haircuts, massages, and talk about mental health.
5 min read
Hi Hank, tell us about Butch Cut ... how did it begin?
I had a mental health crisis, which was something between a burnout and depression. It was really a life crisis, and a very long-announced one as I had been trying to avoid it for a long time. I was working through all the self-care strategies that I thought might work... but none of them worked, so finally I gave up, and just broke down.
I had the burnout in London and, after it happened, I came back to Berlin. I didn’t want to come back — I had already lived here for 20 years before moving to London — but I came back because I couldn’t see a way of being able to survive and function in London, which is a much more demanding place than Berlin. So I came back to this city where I had a network and a lot of friends, and people started calling and asking me to cut their hair because that’s what I had been doing occasionally for a few friends. It was very casual, not commercial at all, and I didn’t charge any money for those haircuts. But then those people each recommended me to two other people, so suddenly I’m flooded with requests from people I’d never met before.
“I was working through all the self-care strategies that I thought might work... but none of them worked, so finally I gave up, and just broke down. ”
I was familiar with ‘alternative spaces’ where people can just be, and relax, and where you don’t need to spend money and can just hang out, and whoever walks through the door is accepted with hopefully less judgement than in other places. And so it was with that background that I started giving haircuts to these people who weren’t my friends. All of a sudden, Butch Cut — which functions as a barber shop — was born.
How did your business help you overcome the burnout and depression?
Because I had a depression, I started talking about how I was feeling while I was cutting hair... actually I kept thinking I should shut up, because I was so used to not talking about my feelings and I was embarrassed to tell people how I was feeling. But, to my surprise, people didn’t mind at all. In fact they started telling me how they were, and what was going on for them in their lives. And by the end of the haircut, interestingly we both felt better. So it was like a one on one self-help group situation. That continued for a few months or so and I started to feel better.
I realised that there was a big demand — and need — for what I was providing. I think everyone needs it, but it’s especially needed for trans and non-binary and queer people as there aren’t really spaces where we can just relax and be ourselves and just trust that other people are not going to say something invasive, intrusive, aggressive or make an intentionally — or unintentionally — hurtful remark. So i just realised there is a demand for spaces where people can feel safe. I realised I'd been working with something called ‘radical vulnerability’ where, instead of trying to not show your feelings, you do the opposite. This was a scary thing for me to do, as I’m a butch lesbian, so I always identified as someone who is very capable at dealing with a whole bunch of crap.
You felt you had to be strong? Actually, ‘strong’ is a terrible choice of word, I’d like to take that word back...
‘Strong’ is a really good word actually, because it’s exactly the axis around which this thought process was turning. Because what is ‘strong’? A lot of people, especially men, are expected to behave in a certain way which is harmful to them and others, because we live in a capitalist patriarchal society. And, in a way, butch lesbians are sometimes on a similar train. Basically this idea of ‘masculinity’ in our society isn’t to do with men, but to do with domination and a societal structure built for domination, and most men simply learn to become that.
I would love if the whole world could talk about their feelings, but my mission is to provide a safe space for butch, trans and non-binary identified queer people because a lot of these people have mental health issues — just like any other part of society — but thats who I can relate to most because I’m part of that community. I think if everyone did something positive within their social group, or within their arms reach, then the world would be a better place.
When we have phases where we can’t be as productive or as creative as is demanded, then we think there is something wrong with us. This denies the nature of humans, the nature of life, and actually the nature of nature — even nature has productive cycles, and recovery cycles. And as humans we are perpetually going against our own nature, which is why we get a lot of weird diseases — because we’re not listening to ourselves and we’re not treating ourselves well. And this has been going on for generations. Capitalism began around mid 17th century, so that’s about 370 years, which is around 12 generations. Since the first world war, humans have been thought of as objects on a different level than ever before — I’m not trying to neglect slavery and such things — but the functionality of humans is now measured against machines, and so we are trying to keep up with machine, which is quite unhealthy... which is quite the understatement.
“The good thing about having a burnout is that when things are broken we can start to mend them.”
Do you think the pressure to be productive led to your own burnout?
It was a part of it, and I would say a lot of people have crisis because of this pressure. In my particular case it was also to do with growing up in a dysfunctional family which adds extra layers of not being able to cope with certain things, because I didn’t learn how to deal with them... but also being queer. So there you have the deadly triangle which would break anyone’s back! And so the good thing about having a burnout is that when things are broken we can start to mend them. So I could look at the pieces and see that I had to try a new approach — which is a gift. It’s a wonderful thing to get that chance.
At the same time, it was terrifying. I didn’t know what was going on. I thought I was going crazy. I thought I could never work again. I was in a very dark place, and wasn’t very well. But I say it was a gift because some people have similar breakdowns but they develop terminal illnesses or have an accident, so I’m really lucky that I had the chance to build myself up again from that.
When people come for the first time, I have an hour and half of alone-time with them, as I want to give people the time and attention they need. I use that time to build a connection, but I also use it to talk about mental health and self-care. A lot of people do start to cry in the chair, because it’s so emotionally moving for them to feel respected and accepted as they are. When I look at them in the mirror, and see them as they would like to see themselves — and then try to give them the haircut they want — and it’s a very powerful and empowering situation, and I really enjoy being able to give that to people.
While providing care for others, do you actively practise self-care for yourself?
Doing Butch Cut I need at least 2 full days of self-care each week to recharge my batteries, so that I can be present with the people and give them all my energy. This means that I purposefully have a limited amount of haircut appointments each week, as I can’t deal with more than that and remain present.
Hank, you’re a diamond. Here at Anxiety Empire we wish you and Butch Cut all the best!